Golf Jokes

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit. Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."! Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette. Man: "Oh thank you so much!" Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?" Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink. Man:"Oh..thank you so much. You are like a miracle"! Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??" The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too??"

An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, " I can't believe you missed that putt!" "That putt was no longer than my 'willy'." The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "yes dear, but it was much harder!"

A man is standing on the 8th tee getting ready to drive. He is just starting to get into his swing when he hears a voice "Please don't hurt my buttercups". He stops, looks around, not seeing anyone he gives his head a shake and gets ready to swing again. Just as he is starting in his windup he hears the voice again, "Please don't hurt my buttercups". He stops looks around again. Still not seeing anyone he asks "Who said that?" "I did. I am Mother Nature and if you hit your ball over my buttercups I will give you a years supply of butter." The man thinks about this for a second then asks "Where were you when I was on the third hitting over the pussy willows?"

A man went to Confession and said to the priest, "Forgive me, Father. I used the F-word this week." "Ah, my son. Tell me the circumstances which caused you to use the F-word. After all, I can understand a person being provoke into using it." "Well, I was golfing and I had just hit a beautiful tee-shot that sailed straight as an arrow for 280 yards, but then suddenly sliced into the woods." "That is when you used the F-word. I can appreciate your frustration, my son, as I am a golfer myself." "No, I stayed cool at that point, Father. I then hit a perfect shot out of the woods, but suddenly it landed in the sand trap." "Now, I can understand you saying the F-word at that point." "No, Father, I was calm even then. I got out my sand wedge and hit a perfect shot out of the trap right at the pin, but suddenly the ball stopped an inch from the cup." "Ah, that is when you used the F-word. How frustrating." "No, Father, I was still cool." "YOU MEAN YOU MISSED THE F***ING PUTT?!?!??!"

This is a true story. After hacking my way around a course with a professional golfer, I asked him what the problem was with my game. He answered coolly and casually, "It's simple, you're standing too close to your ball............after you hit it"!

Previous

Next

Sponsor Ads